Plumbing the Depths

Perhaps it’s because of the credit crunch that I have developed a greater interest in what I buy, or rather don’t buy. I am constantly amazed at the nonsense that is being flogged out there, some of it is sheer madness, some inspired genius.

Definitely in the latter group is the small paper packet on sale in my local garden centre for 99p. It contains an acorn, a sycamore seed and the contents of a shaken pine cone i.e. all the things you could pick up from the ground during a 5 minute stroll in your local wood. So how do you take a small number of extremely common seeds and get away with charging 99p for them? Simple, you put them into a little packet and then write “Bonsai starter kit” on it! I must confess that I actually gasped at the sheer audaciousness of this sales ploy before deciding that it was actually the work of a true marketing genius.

I was less impressed when my mate insisted on stopping off to buy a big bag of dried dog food because it was specific for the breed of dog he owned. I tried to point out to him that a dog was a dog; big or small, fat or thin, fluffy or short haired they were all essentially the bloody same.

Not at all, he replied. He had tried the cheaper ‘one food suits all’ brands but unfortunately these caused his dog to fart, and not just a little but a great deal. I have never actually been in the same room when his dog has farted, but the fact that my mate would part with an extra tenner just to live the fart-free life suggests that they are quite something.

We were still discussing this when we reached the check-out. Lined up behind the till was a huge, and carefully arranged, stack of bottles all containing a greeny-blue liquid. The design on the bottles looked a little like that on those Lucozade high energy drinks, so I asked the sales girl what they were.

“It’s a high energy drink for dogs!” She replied, obviously delighted that we’d asked.

Quite rightly I replied, “A what?”

This seemed a step too far. Ok, on further reflection, I can see the market for a dog food containing a special fart-free-formula but why the hell would you want to feed your dog a high energy drink? What are you going to buy it next, a little head band and towelling wrist bands for each paw? A leotard? Two pairs of Nike’s and a copy of Davina’s Work-out DVD? And anyway, my mate owns a Springer Spaniel: it needs more energy in much the same way as a fish needs more gears on its bike!

The only redeeming feature of this product is its name: “Pow-wow”, which I think is quite neat and which got me thinking about a new product: a canine hang-over cure for those people that like to take their dogs’ to the pub. I figure it’s as useful as a high-energy drink and, more importantly, I’ve got a great name for it: “Ruff-Woof”. Gotta to be a seller

Another thing that I’ve managed to avoid buying is the “Air Spray” on sale at my local Plumb centre. It’s a tin that contains air! They’ve taken the stuff that’s all around us…. and put it in a tin! Isn’t this like trying to sell bottled water to a goldfish? Yet, they seem to sell it! I can only assume that there are a lot of plumbers out there who have completely run out of puff.