Happy New Year!
Happy Christmas and a Prosperous New Year to everyone… or failing that Happy Christmas and avoid bankruptcy in 2009.
Well we’ve finished our fourth year in business and we’re still here! Yee har!
We’ve come a long way in four years: four years ago we’d just finished an intensive plumbing course, now we’ve got our NVQ3’s, four years ago it took us a week to tile a kitchen, these days it would take a day, four years ago we could just about tackle a bathroom, now we’re Corgi and Oftec registered, four years ago we had one clapped out old van, now we have a fleet of sparkling new vans, four years ago we were the new kids on the block, now we’re one of the largest plumbing companies in the area.
Sadly, some things are a constant: I still have a tool bag filled with thingies, whatnots, do-dars and whatyamacallits, I still refuse to pay £300 for a drill and our profit margin is still firmly stuck circa 2004.
In terms of stuff to write about, I’m not sure if the work’s become duller or if I’m just too busy to notice the interesting bits.
Although I have noticed waist lines….
When we went to college we found ourselves surrounded by young lads who felt that the best way to attract females was to waddle around with your trousers clinging on desperately to the back of your knees. I have no idea what the logic is behind this fashion trend: are women innately attracted to penguins? Does having the waistband of your trousers hovering forlornly 3 feet below your waist cool your balls and therefore improve virility? Does showing off your shreddies to all and sundry indicate your state of hygiene and therefore your suitability as a future house husband?
Whatever the reasons, they only seem to last until about the age of 19, after which your trouser waistband migrates steadily north. By your mid twenties it finally reaches your waist and celebrates this achievement by staying there or thereabouts for a good decade. Then, its wanderlust restored, the Simon Cowell look emerges and your navel becomes snugly ensconced within the confines of your trousers. By the time you reach 70 your waistband is conveniently tucked just under your armpits and, whilst your inside leg measurement is still 31 inches, your outside leg measurement is about 5ft 8”.
I think the phenomenon of the migrating waistband might explain why men die younger than women: when a woman reaches 90 she has a wispy beard akin to that of a 17 year old boy and is no doubt contemplating wearing her trousers around her knees, meanwhile her husband is looking out at the world through the fly of his trousers, with all the hazards that accompany such a restricted view.
Trousers aside, the other thing I’ve noticed is how little thought people put into naming their businesses and frankly I find this disappointing. The amount of times you see vans with “Dave’s Plumbing” or “Ian’s Driving school” or “Fred’s Joinery”. With luck you’ll trade under this name for the next 25 years and that’s the best you can come up with?
I can understand why some people don’t bother though: one of the best names I’ve found is a tiler who called his company “Canterbury Tiles”. I’ll grant you that the name would have worked best in Kent but you will not believe how many people I’ve met who think he’s from Canterbury. I’ve started to attempt an explanation on a number of occasions but frankly it’s seldom worth the effort - the last time I tried I left the builder under the impression that there was a bloke called Chaucer who was a pretty mean tiler.
One of the worst names I’ve seen is the “OK American diner”. I’ve only ever seen this on the A1 but by all accounts there are hundreds of these places. I find it incredible that people throughout the world have bought into a franchise that doesn’t describe itself as “Best” or “Great” or “Top” but as “OK”… the “Not bad diner”.. “The mediocre restaurant”. Who the hell came up with this name and what were his other businesses? The “Crappy Coffee House”, the “Piss-Poor Pastry palace”, the “Buggered Burger Bar”?
I’m tempted to try the place out just to see what the company motto is. I suspect it will be something along the lines of:
“Welcome to the OK Diner: You know you’ve eaten worse.”
