Women
Toilet roll
The following scenario has happened so often now that I just ignore it.
We’ve just finished installing a new bathroom. It looks lovely. Enter the female client. For a moment there is a wide eyed appreciation. Seconds later and the smile has faded and she’s shaking her head.
The first time it happened I panicked a bit. What’s wrong? It’s lovely, it’s perfect. How come you’re not smiling?
Barely holding back the tears the client looks at you and lets out a heart rendering sigh. “I’m going to have to throw away all that toilet roll. It just doesn’t match the bathroom now.”
“Eh? Doesn’t match the bathroom? It’s bog roll! You use it to wipe your a*se.”
“But it doesn’t go with the new soap dish!”
“It doesn’t what? I repeat.. It.. Is.. Bog.. Roll! You use it, you flush it down the bog. Why, in Christ’s name, would it want to match with the f**kin’ soap dish? Which is, after all, merely a pointless f**kin’ receptacle for holding f**kin’ soap!”
Can you every recall hearing a bloke say:
“Can’t use this bog roll mate!”
“Why not?”
“It’s navy blue, and I’ve got a pink a*se. It’s gonna clash.”
Nails
I just cannot understand this fascination that women have with their nails. Two female friends meet for the first time in months and within 2 minutes one or the other will say “Oo! Love your nails!”
If my wife breaks a nail she goes into shock. You’d swear blind that someone’s just shot a close relative. She can spend hours cutting them, trimming them, sanding them , polishing them, fiddling around with the cuticles, buffing them up, applying 14 coats of paint to them…. It goes on and on and on. She then spends the rest of the evening sitting there with her nails spread out in front of her, refusing to pick up anything in case she damages them whilst they’re still wet!
“Do you like my nails?” She’ll ask proudly.
You want to reply, “Eh? They’re just nails! Little hard bits of keratin on the end of your fingers. How great can they get?”
But the survival instinct kicks in and you nod approvingly and go “Oooo! Very nice!”
Why can’t women understand that guys are not the least bit interested in their nails? Has anyone, ever, ever, heard a bloke say, “Oy! ‘Arry. That bird in the corner. Look at the f**kin’ nails on that!”?
Scatter cushions
We recently redecorated our bedroom. We repainted the walls and I was quite proud of myself for understanding why my wife now needed new curtains to match. I even predicted the trip to the shops for the new duvet cover and pillow cases to match the new curtains, which we needed because of the newly painted wall.
I started to get a little worried when we needed to buy new bedside lamps, to match the new duvet and the new pillow cases, that matched the new curtains, that we needed to match with the newly painted walls, but I could vaguely see where she was coming from.
Where she completely lost me was when she bought three scatter cushions, to match the lamps, duvet, pillow cases, curtain, wall etc etc.
“What are they?”
“They’re cushions.”
“I can see that, but why are they doing on the bed? We’ve already got enough pillows.”
“They look nice.”
“They look like cushions. How are we going to sleep with three cushions in the bed?”
“You take them off the bed first.”
“Why have them on the bed if we have to take them off the bed in order to use the bed?”
“Because they look nice.”
“Cameron Diaz looks nice but I can’t see you wanting to drape her over the bed.”
“They match the curtains.”
“They hide the pillow cases we’ve just bought to match the curtains.”
“Yes, but they still match the curtains.”
“but…”
“Look, you’re a man. You wouldn’t understand, so just ignore them.”
“but…….. WHY???”
Buying a Dress
On a similar theme, I once made the school boy error of buying my wife a new skirt whilst we were out shopping. It was a lovely skirt and I thought it would really suit her. What I’d completely failed to see was the marathon shopping trip that ensued.
She couldn’t wear the skirt with any of her tops, so we had to buy a new top. The new top required a new belt, which needed to match some new shoes, which in turn required a new handbag, which would have looked completely out of place without a new necklace and ear rings.
Five bloody hours we shopped! It was the most expensive skirt I’ve ever bought in my entire life!
Sadly, women are from Earth and men are from Earth…. deal with it 
